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Q & A: Skye Larkin and the Key to REM (prologue seeking harsh critism and honest opinions)?

Question by maylene1852: Skye Larkin and the Key to REM (prologue seeking harsh critism and honest opinions)?
Prologue

The Beginning

It was hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, but too hot for anybody to stay and watch. Everyone stayed in the cool comfort of their homes. Listless branches hung to the ground too tired to dance with the wind. Even the wind was exhausted, too worn out to even cool the heat, it just pushed the hot air around. It was the kind of day in which one should sit directly in front of a fan, or better yet an air conditioner, with a book and some ice cold lemonade. Definitely not a day for strenuous activity. Most definitely not a day for running, unless of course you wished to pass out from heat exertion.

The girl ran but she was tired and hot. Sweat matted her curls down and the effort had made her round cheeks red and her breath come out in rasping gasps. She had come such a long way already, at a pace that suggested her life depended on it, which it very well did. The Torments were fast approaching. Torments were ugly, malicious little creatures, and once set loose would not stop until they had caught their prey.

Reluctantly, she stopped and leaned up against a solid oak to catch her breath. The sound of nearby twigs snapping urged her forward, so she brushed the sweaty curls from her brow and continued to run, her curls streaming in the wind. The Torments were gaining. All they could think of was the girl and they stared after her with their beady yellow eyes and gnashed their teeth. Sweat poured down the small of her back, and her side ached constantly but still she ran. She had to. She had stolen the First Book and there was no turning back now. The book clutched to her chest didn’t look like anything special. It was bound in age mottled leather and was rather worn but she held it like something precious.

Ahead of her loomed the Hairy Forest, the most dangerous place in REM, but the girl ran in without a second thought. She had to get away from the Torments. She had to find a safe haven for the book. In her haste she never noticed the glowing. Everly just ran right through the yellow, blue and green swirling vortex of light that had suddenly opened ahead of her. Perhaps if she had seen it she would have not gone through it, and maybe gone around it to some other adventure, but that would make this a very different story. The sudden quiet chill made her realize she was suddenly alone. Nausea rumbled in her belly as the tumbling sensation hit. Everly was falling and it seemed like a very long way down.

Best answer:

Answer by Loveya!
Ohh, I like it. ^^ Maybe it would be better to make clear of who the torments were since people have never heard of them before. But reading this, I can tell it’s fiction and mystical? I think you should keep writing..or typing(ha small joke) I was on the edge of my seat and want to see what happens next. Good use of words. Best of luck!

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3 Responses to Q & A: Skye Larkin and the Key to REM (prologue seeking harsh critism and honest opinions)?

  1. luv 4 dogs

    I like it but I think you start talking too abruptly about the girl running after you described the heat. You should have a few sentences prior to the girl running that leads up to that.

    I like your stories. I don’t think you’re a bad writer at all. You have a good imagination and I think your storyline will keep readers interested. If this is your dream than I think you should keep on working at it.

    Don’t give up and Good Luck!!

  2. Ashley S

    I like it alot, the descriptions seem so real of what the girls feeling. You should state who these people are who are tormenting her and what the “first book” is.. When I got to the first book part, I immediately questioned “why would she steal the book, whats in the book”?

    keep up the good work though

  3. Dany

    intresting I like it. Keep going

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